phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
