When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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