It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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