someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
All the doctor said was why
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
