the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
