Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
