Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
