When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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