I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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