Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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