last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
