sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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