3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
