I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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