I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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