Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My vagina just recognized that song.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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