So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize