this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
