Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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