She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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