they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
