Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
