he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
