I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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