WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
