i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
