have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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