That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
