Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
