If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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