He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
