this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize