Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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