A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
