we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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