That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
