Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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