He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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