I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
