So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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