So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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