I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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