now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
