It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he just fucked me for my cheese..
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
