I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
They have beer where we have blood.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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