Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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