it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
