yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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