Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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