I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
