so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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