your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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