Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
