Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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