I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
