There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
