he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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