Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
