New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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